Peeping through the crack.

So - I have felt the stirrings - what do I do now? Invest in air-conditioning and purpley-coloured baggy jumpers? No!  I do what I always do when faced with new or challenging situations  ... head over to Amazon. There are bound to be loads of books written about spiritual aspects of menopause. I type the word 'menopuase' into the search page - Miriam Stoppard's book comes out top - well - it would really. Scrolling down, I am quite disappointed  - most of the books seem to be about: what to expect physically, how to 'beat' the menopause, how to stay young, thin and beautiful despite the menopause, or are comedy/celebrity takes on the change. I even come across an MP3 download called "Smells like menopause" by an outfit called Kalibas. A sample track is available - I listen - it sounds like our old central heating boiler when it was breaking down - a subliminal connection maybe?
Surprisingly, there are no books which appear to be aimed at the menopausal breastfeeding woman! In fact, very few jump off the screen at me - they are either: not available, expensive, don't appeal after reading the spiel, or will take too long to arrive. I am a woman of change and I have a need for information now! Then I spy Susun S Weed's - New Menopausal Years: The Wise Woman Way. Well, I have enjoyed her other books and dip into her Ezine on occasion, so I pop it in my basket, along with Christiane Northrup's: Wisdom of the Menopause. I am not too sure of this one, as it is written by a GP. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just that I don't really want a lecture on what my hormones are up to etc. As a former nurse, I know a lot about the medical stuff - what I need is stories of the ancient wisdom. I am, however, slightly won over by the reader's reviews, so in it goes.
I await the parcel impatiently. Having decided that I am on the cusp of a life-changing transition I want to shout out "BRING IT ON"

Who's that knocking at my door?

This month I began to chart my menstrual cycle. I was inspired to do this after reading a review of Thirteen Moons - a cycle charting handbook and journal, by Jane Hardwicke Collings. In truth, it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I have been aware that my cycle is in tune with the moon - menstruating around the dark/new moon and ovulating just before the full moon, but I wanted to explore this in a deeper way - recording dreams, moods, energy levels and creativity etc. I began charting these in my 13 moons journal on the first day of my June menses . So far so good. Low energy and inwardness in the first few days and then a burst of activity at the end of my period. I looked forward to experiencing the creative and sexy time of the mid-cycle at the full moon. On day 13 I felt a strong cramp like pain on the left side of my belly. I remembered Jane, in her sample chart had noted a left sided ovulatory pain on day 12, so I duly did the same. That night I had the most amazing and vivid dream and the following night I had 2  further vivid dreams. I began to feel increasingly tired and drained and low in spirits. I could not understand why - was I not about to be at the peak of my most creative, energetic and attractive moon phase? Full and round and dazzling? If I didn't know better....
Well - what did I know? To my complete surprise, as I prepared for bed on day 17, I found I was bleeding. "Just spotting" I told my husband. Not so - it has turned into a full blown period, just 13 days after the end of my last one.
Now I may very well be jumping the gun here. Menopause is not a single event, it is a natural progression over many years - but I really feel I have heard the faint knockings of my inner crone! I will be 49 in November after all. She has to come out sometime. Suddenly all my dreams made sense in a different way to how I first perceived them.   I am slightly horrified, yet excited and anticipating at the same time. A bit of a complication is that I am still breastfeeding my two year old and it is my intention to carry on until he self weans. How will that work out? Is it a problem? I am still coming to terms with this second period in a month- it is really quite disorientating. I also don't know how I will manage to stay healthy enough to breastfeed, if I am going to have very short cycles too.
I hope to remain positive, though and listen to my body during this transition, however long it may take. This blog is a way for me to record the journey that will open the door to the Crone.