There hasn't been a great deal to report on matters menopausal for some time. In fact, even now I am not sure why I am posting. Just to say nothing much - how radical! But it is really. My body is very slowly changing, like the slow uncoiling of that snake. Cycles are still erratic - just when I think it's all over - that ole trickster waves the flag again. But, it's not much of a problem really- just dig out the pads and slow down. I have not experienced any flooding or suchlike. Then, a few days later my womb goes back to sleep for a while.
I am incredibly lucky though. I am able to listen to my body - go for a nap, or get out in the fresh air, or just sit in the rocking chair if I feel the need.
If I was still working in the hospital, or in a call centre, shop or running the country for that matter, I would not be able to heed those cues. I would ignore them - push them aside as inconveniences and carry on regardless.
What would happen then? Would my body begin to ramp up those so called "symptoms"? Would the crone begin to shout louder - would there be lots of blood, sweat and tears?
Would I make haste to my GP and ask to be taken out of my misery? Cured of my disorder? A medical problem that was only discovered (read invented) by a male gynaecologist in the mid 1960s. Would I contribute to the ever open maw that is the bank account of Big Pharma?
Yes, I guess I might.
I could be facing a poverty stricken retirement and needing to boost my pension as much as I could. I could be struggling as a lone mother with teenage children to support, I could be at the very top of my chosen career - one I had sacrificed a lifetime for. I could be - well, fill in your own blanks. The point is, menopause is inconvenient in the workplace, as is pregnancy and motherhood, as is menstruation. It does not belong in this capitalist system and must be at best, ignored, or,more likely, treated as a deviance.
When did those witch burnings end? They're back! Women are burning each day, through having to ignore the cries of their own bodies. The disorder they call menopause -" the tragedy of menopause", as Dr Wilson, (that esteemed gynaecologist called it), - could be caused by - well - working for The Man.
Phew! I'm feeling pretty warm myself, now that I have thought through this. I have absolutely no evidence for any of it either - it just sort of flowed from somewhere within.
I do feel very thankful, every day, that I am able to embrace this time of life. I have known, since I began this journey, that if I welcomed The Crone, I need not fear her - for she is me, and I her.
Since I last posted here, I have lost my own Mother. I thank you all again for the support and love shown in other places. But now, I am here - the Head Woman of my small tribe. I am the keeper of those traditions and memories. It is an awesome responsibility, and I am glad She is with me.
As we head into a New Year, my wish for you is, that if you have heard that knocking, however timidly, rush to fling the door open and embrace Her who stands within you. Then you will be blessed.
Showing posts with label Crone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crone. Show all posts
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
The short cut taken...
I have had my hair cut really short! Twice, in fact, because the first hairdresser was too scared to do what I wanted, so I let her compromise, but within the week I went to another salon and got the job finished.
I think I love it.
Sometimes though, I see myself in the mirror and blink - who is that? For most of my life, with the exception of one or two short lived incidents, (probably in the 1980s) I have always worn it halfway down my back with a centre parting and a fringe. I always said I wanted to have very long silver hair done in braids, and I still may do that. I was getting annoyed with it though, mainly because of the colour - a combination of white and pewter for almost half the length and the original reddish brown the rest of the way, and also I felt a real deep need for a change. That is what this stage is all about, after all.
Once I had decided, I could not settle until the deed was done - and, despite the false start, I am happy with it. sometimes I think I look older, and other times I look like my first school photo, taken when I was around 4.5. A strange and wonderful combination of maiden and crone. So it is quite liberating, in a sense. Anyone who has not been passionately addicted to long hair may not understand. Before, if I deviated from my normal hairstyle, I immediately started to grow it back - I 'missed' my face. This time, I feel free of that -my face is my own and seems to be timeless. I feel lighter now that I no longer have that heavy curtain to keep pulling back. I can look the world in the eye, without peering through the veil. All those clichés seem just right for how I am feeling about this particular change right now, and if I fancy those silver braids later on, well I can change again.
I think I love it.
Sometimes though, I see myself in the mirror and blink - who is that? For most of my life, with the exception of one or two short lived incidents, (probably in the 1980s) I have always worn it halfway down my back with a centre parting and a fringe. I always said I wanted to have very long silver hair done in braids, and I still may do that. I was getting annoyed with it though, mainly because of the colour - a combination of white and pewter for almost half the length and the original reddish brown the rest of the way, and also I felt a real deep need for a change. That is what this stage is all about, after all.
Once I had decided, I could not settle until the deed was done - and, despite the false start, I am happy with it. sometimes I think I look older, and other times I look like my first school photo, taken when I was around 4.5. A strange and wonderful combination of maiden and crone. So it is quite liberating, in a sense. Anyone who has not been passionately addicted to long hair may not understand. Before, if I deviated from my normal hairstyle, I immediately started to grow it back - I 'missed' my face. This time, I feel free of that -my face is my own and seems to be timeless. I feel lighter now that I no longer have that heavy curtain to keep pulling back. I can look the world in the eye, without peering through the veil. All those clichés seem just right for how I am feeling about this particular change right now, and if I fancy those silver braids later on, well I can change again.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Analysis of The Gray - Part 2
I ask her the same thing and she tells me that after her father died, she went looking for 'The Gray'
In the dream, I know that this refers to a fantasy quest game that we played as children and that The Gray is a bracelet of red, white and grey polished stones, cut into cylindrical shapes.
I knew from my own father that M's father in real life died a couple of years ago and that he had Alzheimer's disease; my mother suffers from this and is currently being cared for in a nursing home.
In my dream notes which I scribbled down early in the morning, I have written The Gray - capitalised just as I have here, using the American spelling - normally I would write grey and not gray.
As children we played many elaborate fantasy games usually involving some adventurous quest, or mystery and we often found ourselves believing in our fantasies. In the dream I recall straight away that The Gray was such a game, and I felt very excited that she had gone on to fulfill this quest. I had an image of The Gray as a bracelet of long cylindrical white, grey and red stones.
--
The death of the father is symbolic for me on a couple of levels here. It could refer to the 'death' of the superego - that controlling voice inside which governs socially appropriate behavior in us, and also induces feeling of guilt. (apologies for that huge generalisation there). Both M's father and my mother had/have Alzheimer's disease - an insiduous condition which, among other things, can totally strip away that control, often resulting in 'socially inappropriate' behaviours.
Received wisdom portrays women as going crazy at menopause. In fact, despite the raging hormones of the climacteric, depression and sadness at this time is more likely to have other causes - poverty, marital problems, workplace difficulties. It seems from my reading so far that the madness of menopause is a societal condition, created by... guess what? It seems that those early church fathers did not like the idea of women enjoying sex, let alone indulging when there was no chance of procreation, so they decreed all older women to be crazed and ugly - a charge that seems to have stuck. So, the death of the father could also be the disregarding of patriarchal attitudes here - basically the father is dead, long live the mother.
Now that this patriarchal superego is dead, I am free to grow old disgracefully - to search for The Gray, or find my inner crone. This phrase is capitalised to emphasise the importance and the sacredness of this quest, and I feel an anticipatory thrill when she tells me about it. (I don't think the spelling is important - most of the literature I have read thus far has been American, so will contain that spelling). I also think I can use the experiences I have had under the father's control to become stronger in this new phase of life and to make my menopause my own.
Barbara G Walker talks about how the Virgin and Crone aspects of the Goddess are interchangeable, and she tells the original myth of Persephone who was in fact the crone aspect of the Demeter trinity. I find it truly amazing how in my dream, the friend of my childhood, or maidenhood, whom I have not thought of or seen for almost 40 years, appears as I approach the time of the crone - 'Do you not recognise me?' It packs this big idea into such an accessible form. The idea of a quest ties in so much with this Virgin/Crone theme, too, as in Roman mythology, the maiden/new moon was known as The Huntress (Diana), but Ms Walker argues that The Huntress character originally was part of the dark third aspect. I don't think there is too much of a difference between a quest and a hunt. Interestingly, she also says that the mother aspect in this trinity was Pluto, who was a female deity and the name Pluto meant abundant with milk - who gave her the sex change, I wonder?
The image of The Gray as a bracelet of red, white and grey stones. The colours are almost equated with those of the Triple Goddess - white, red and black. Stones are part of the Earth and there are many stone monuments and figures sacred to the goddess. We recently spent a few days in Callanish (? cailleach - old woman?) and were very taken with the stones there. I said on my other blog that they made me think of strong mothers. And a bracelet is a circle - each part merges into the other in a never ending cycle.
So - what a dream! It has been quite a journey of discovery unpacking this one. I feel very positive about the images and ideas that I have taken from it, and grateful for the insights it has given me. If you have read these posts, I hope very much that you have taken something from it too.
Blessings.
In the dream, I know that this refers to a fantasy quest game that we played as children and that The Gray is a bracelet of red, white and grey polished stones, cut into cylindrical shapes.
I knew from my own father that M's father in real life died a couple of years ago and that he had Alzheimer's disease; my mother suffers from this and is currently being cared for in a nursing home.
In my dream notes which I scribbled down early in the morning, I have written The Gray - capitalised just as I have here, using the American spelling - normally I would write grey and not gray.
As children we played many elaborate fantasy games usually involving some adventurous quest, or mystery and we often found ourselves believing in our fantasies. In the dream I recall straight away that The Gray was such a game, and I felt very excited that she had gone on to fulfill this quest. I had an image of The Gray as a bracelet of long cylindrical white, grey and red stones.
--
The death of the father is symbolic for me on a couple of levels here. It could refer to the 'death' of the superego - that controlling voice inside which governs socially appropriate behavior in us, and also induces feeling of guilt. (apologies for that huge generalisation there). Both M's father and my mother had/have Alzheimer's disease - an insiduous condition which, among other things, can totally strip away that control, often resulting in 'socially inappropriate' behaviours.
Received wisdom portrays women as going crazy at menopause. In fact, despite the raging hormones of the climacteric, depression and sadness at this time is more likely to have other causes - poverty, marital problems, workplace difficulties. It seems from my reading so far that the madness of menopause is a societal condition, created by... guess what? It seems that those early church fathers did not like the idea of women enjoying sex, let alone indulging when there was no chance of procreation, so they decreed all older women to be crazed and ugly - a charge that seems to have stuck. So, the death of the father could also be the disregarding of patriarchal attitudes here - basically the father is dead, long live the mother.
Now that this patriarchal superego is dead, I am free to grow old disgracefully - to search for The Gray, or find my inner crone. This phrase is capitalised to emphasise the importance and the sacredness of this quest, and I feel an anticipatory thrill when she tells me about it. (I don't think the spelling is important - most of the literature I have read thus far has been American, so will contain that spelling). I also think I can use the experiences I have had under the father's control to become stronger in this new phase of life and to make my menopause my own.
Barbara G Walker talks about how the Virgin and Crone aspects of the Goddess are interchangeable, and she tells the original myth of Persephone who was in fact the crone aspect of the Demeter trinity. I find it truly amazing how in my dream, the friend of my childhood, or maidenhood, whom I have not thought of or seen for almost 40 years, appears as I approach the time of the crone - 'Do you not recognise me?' It packs this big idea into such an accessible form. The idea of a quest ties in so much with this Virgin/Crone theme, too, as in Roman mythology, the maiden/new moon was known as The Huntress (Diana), but Ms Walker argues that The Huntress character originally was part of the dark third aspect. I don't think there is too much of a difference between a quest and a hunt. Interestingly, she also says that the mother aspect in this trinity was Pluto, who was a female deity and the name Pluto meant abundant with milk - who gave her the sex change, I wonder?
The image of The Gray as a bracelet of red, white and grey stones. The colours are almost equated with those of the Triple Goddess - white, red and black. Stones are part of the Earth and there are many stone monuments and figures sacred to the goddess. We recently spent a few days in Callanish (? cailleach - old woman?) and were very taken with the stones there. I said on my other blog that they made me think of strong mothers. And a bracelet is a circle - each part merges into the other in a never ending cycle.
So - what a dream! It has been quite a journey of discovery unpacking this one. I feel very positive about the images and ideas that I have taken from it, and grateful for the insights it has given me. If you have read these posts, I hope very much that you have taken something from it too.
Blessings.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Who's that knocking at my door?
This month I began to chart my menstrual cycle. I was inspired to do this after reading a review of Thirteen Moons - a cycle charting handbook and journal, by Jane Hardwicke Collings. In truth, it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I have been aware that my cycle is in tune with the moon - menstruating around the dark/new moon and ovulating just before the full moon, but I wanted to explore this in a deeper way - recording dreams, moods, energy levels and creativity etc. I began charting these in my 13 moons journal on the first day of my June menses . So far so good. Low energy and inwardness in the first few days and then a burst of activity at the end of my period. I looked forward to experiencing the creative and sexy time of the mid-cycle at the full moon. On day 13 I felt a strong cramp like pain on the left side of my belly. I remembered Jane, in her sample chart had noted a left sided ovulatory pain on day 12, so I duly did the same. That night I had the most amazing and vivid dream and the following night I had 2 further vivid dreams. I began to feel increasingly tired and drained and low in spirits. I could not understand why - was I not about to be at the peak of my most creative, energetic and attractive moon phase? Full and round and dazzling? If I didn't know better....
Well - what did I know? To my complete surprise, as I prepared for bed on day 17, I found I was bleeding. "Just spotting" I told my husband. Not so - it has turned into a full blown period, just 13 days after the end of my last one.
Now I may very well be jumping the gun here. Menopause is not a single event, it is a natural progression over many years - but I really feel I have heard the faint knockings of my inner crone! I will be 49 in November after all. She has to come out sometime. Suddenly all my dreams made sense in a different way to how I first perceived them. I am slightly horrified, yet excited and anticipating at the same time. A bit of a complication is that I am still breastfeeding my two year old and it is my intention to carry on until he self weans. How will that work out? Is it a problem? I am still coming to terms with this second period in a month- it is really quite disorientating. I also don't know how I will manage to stay healthy enough to breastfeed, if I am going to have very short cycles too.
I hope to remain positive, though and listen to my body during this transition, however long it may take. This blog is a way for me to record the journey that will open the door to the Crone.
Well - what did I know? To my complete surprise, as I prepared for bed on day 17, I found I was bleeding. "Just spotting" I told my husband. Not so - it has turned into a full blown period, just 13 days after the end of my last one.
Now I may very well be jumping the gun here. Menopause is not a single event, it is a natural progression over many years - but I really feel I have heard the faint knockings of my inner crone! I will be 49 in November after all. She has to come out sometime. Suddenly all my dreams made sense in a different way to how I first perceived them. I am slightly horrified, yet excited and anticipating at the same time. A bit of a complication is that I am still breastfeeding my two year old and it is my intention to carry on until he self weans. How will that work out? Is it a problem? I am still coming to terms with this second period in a month- it is really quite disorientating. I also don't know how I will manage to stay healthy enough to breastfeed, if I am going to have very short cycles too.
I hope to remain positive, though and listen to my body during this transition, however long it may take. This blog is a way for me to record the journey that will open the door to the Crone.
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