Cooling it down

I noticed that there has been one or two lovely folks visiting this space, and I am aware that I have not posted for such a long while. In fact, the gaps between posts have become a bit like the length of my cycles - longer and longer between each one.
As I write, I can say that it has been 4 month since my last bleed.  It was in April - a time of great stress for me, as we were moving house, and my husband had injured his back.  We got there - and he is better, so all is well.  The body is a wonderful creation though.  It knew that I needed to nurture myself and slow down.  The exhaustion and long drawn out cold I had when we did arrive at our new home was typical of a flight and crash response.

The last period I had before that was in the previous August.  Against my inner wisdom, I duly attended for the cervical smear test, after the summons from my GP.  I don't know why I ignored the uneasy feeling, and succumbed to  the Medical Man.  Sure enough, my body reacted to the violation of it's sacred space by beginning to bleed. A lesson learned then...

Nonetheless, I am feeling so well!  I have had no big symptoms - or particularly small ones throughout this change.  In accepting it, I think I have barely noticed it.  Some days I look in the mirror and see my Mother, and some days I see my 13 year old self.  Most days it is just me - the result of all I have ever been and will be.   I have started to lose some of the excess weight I was carrying and I am so much more physically active.  Life in this clean sea air is certainly agreeing with me.

Ooh - do I sound a bit smug?  I hope not - I certainly don't mean to be.  I may be exceptionally lucky - I know I am, but I only want to reassure folks that The Menopause is not something to be feared, or medicated away.  Embrace it and live it - you deserve it.

If you have dropped in either from my main blog, or if the universe has brought you here - Welcome - and feel free to read through my other posts - there are only 14 in total, so it won't take too long :)  I hope you might find something that you find useful in your journey.  I find that I am too taken up with the rest of life to maintain this space on a regular basis. I am not closing it down - I may feel like curling up here now and again, but the posts will be few and far between.  I will still respond to comments and I am happy to continue the discussion there, but you can follow the bigger picture here - everyday life, menopause included - how radical!

Something is burning!

There hasn't been a great deal to report on matters menopausal for some time. In fact, even now I am not sure why I am posting. Just to say nothing much - how radical! But it is really. My body is very slowly changing, like the slow uncoiling of that snake. Cycles are still erratic - just when I think it's all over - that ole trickster waves the flag again. But, it's not much of a problem really- just dig out the pads and slow down. I have not experienced any flooding or suchlike. Then, a few days later my womb goes back to sleep for a while.

I am incredibly lucky though.  I am able to listen to my body - go for a nap, or get out in the fresh air, or just sit in the rocking chair if I feel the need.

If I was still working in the hospital, or in a call centre, shop or running the country for that matter, I would not be able to heed those cues.  I would ignore them - push them aside as inconveniences and carry on regardless.

What would happen then?  Would my body begin to ramp up those so called "symptoms"?  Would the crone begin to shout louder  - would there be lots of blood, sweat and tears?
Would I make haste to my GP and ask to be taken out of my misery?  Cured of my disorder?  A medical problem that was only discovered (read invented) by a male gynaecologist in the mid 1960s.  Would I contribute to the ever open maw that is the bank account of Big Pharma?

Yes, I guess I might.

I could be facing a poverty stricken retirement and needing to boost my pension as much as I could.  I could be struggling as a lone mother with teenage children to support, I could be at the very top of my chosen career - one I had sacrificed a lifetime for.  I could be - well, fill in your own blanks.  The point is, menopause is inconvenient in the workplace, as is pregnancy and motherhood, as is menstruation.  It does not belong in this capitalist system and must be at best, ignored, or,more likely,  treated as a deviance.

When did those witch burnings end? They're back! Women are burning each day, through having to ignore the cries of their own bodies. The disorder they call menopause -" the tragedy of menopause", as Dr Wilson, (that esteemed gynaecologist called it), - could be caused by - well - working for The Man.

Phew! I'm feeling pretty warm myself, now that I have thought through this. I have absolutely no evidence for any of it either - it just sort of flowed from somewhere within. 
I do feel very thankful, every day, that I am able to embrace this time of life.  I have known, since I began this journey, that if I welcomed The Crone, I need not fear her - for she is me, and I her. 

Since I last posted here, I have lost my own Mother.  I thank you all again for the support and love shown in other places.  But now, I am here - the Head Woman of my small tribe.  I am the keeper of those traditions and memories.  It is an awesome responsibility, and I am glad She is with me.
As we head into a New Year, my wish for you is, that if you have heard that knocking, however timidly, rush to fling the door open and embrace Her who stands within you.  Then you will be blessed.

Reading right now.

I have just started reading Germaine Greer's book - The Change: Women, Ageing and Menopause.  I am on page 18.  I love her.

Going with or without the flow.

So, after 60 days, I have the merest suggestion of a bleed.  For the last 3 days I have been bone tired,  clumsy and generally going around in a dwam, as we Scots would say.  I have also had a big decluttering urge - all of these are big pre-menstrual markers for me.  The decluttering part is always temporary, sadly, and never gets beyond the complaining about the mess stage. I have had this feeling a couple of times since my last period at the beginning of March, but it has come to nothing - in terms of  bleeding or space clearing. Today I have some light spotting, but I remain unconvinced as yet.
I miss it more than I thought I would.  I have always had a reassuringly regular period, and I am feeling the loss of that few days of inwardness - it is like an old friend who has suddenly drawn away from my life..  Strange, since I was recently bemoaning the fact that I was menstruating every two weeks.  Still, as the song says...
I certainly don't think my periods have stopped completely just yet.  I know that it is a decline in my progesterone levels, and I may have erratic cycles for a while, but it is in no way abnormal. I am happy really to go with or without the flow, whatever it is.
I have been doing a lot of reading (again), but mostly mainstream stuff this time.  I felt I should look at all aspects of the modern menopausal 'experience'.  Some of it is quite disturbing misogynist pieces of hegemony and the majority of it is pro- HRT. I hope to post about this later, once I have stopped stamping my feet and thought about it objectively.  I just realised the other day, however, that I have had no dreams at all since I started to read these reductionist texts.  I do think that is significant, (although readers may breathe a sigh of relief that there are no pending dream analysis posts in the foreseeable future) - the ancient wisdom does seem to reach down into the psyche and bring out collective truths.

Analysis of The Gray - Part 2

I ask her the same thing and she tells me that after her father died, she went looking for 'The Gray'
In the dream, I know that this refers to a fantasy quest game that we played as children and that The Gray is a bracelet of red, white and grey polished stones, cut into cylindrical shapes.
I knew from my own father that M's father in real life died a couple of years ago and that he had Alzheimer's disease;  my mother suffers from this and is currently being cared for in a nursing home.
In my dream notes which I scribbled down early in the morning, I have written The Gray - capitalised just as I have here, using the American spelling - normally I would write grey  and not gray.
As children we played many elaborate fantasy games usually involving some adventurous quest, or mystery and we often found ourselves believing in our fantasies.  In the dream I recall straight away that The Gray was such a game, and I felt very excited that she had gone on to fulfill this quest. I had an image of The Gray as a bracelet of long cylindrical white, grey and red stones.

--
The death of the father is symbolic for me on a couple of levels here.  It could refer to the  'death' of the superego - that controlling voice inside which governs socially appropriate behavior in us, and also induces feeling of guilt. (apologies for that huge generalisation there).  Both M's father and my mother had/have Alzheimer's disease - an insiduous condition which, among other things, can totally strip away that control, often resulting in 'socially inappropriate' behaviours.
Received wisdom portrays women as going crazy at menopause. In fact, despite the raging hormones of the climacteric,  depression and sadness at this time is more likely to have other causes - poverty, marital problems, workplace difficulties.  It seems from my reading so far that the madness of menopause is a societal condition, created by... guess what?  It seems that those early church fathers did not like the idea of women enjoying sex, let alone indulging when there was no chance of procreation, so they decreed all older women to be crazed and ugly - a charge that seems to have stuck. So,  the death of the father could also be the disregarding of patriarchal attitudes here - basically the father is dead, long live the mother. 

Now that this patriarchal superego is dead, I am free to grow old disgracefully - to search for The Gray, or find my inner crone. This phrase is capitalised to emphasise the importance and the sacredness of this quest, and I feel an anticipatory thrill when she tells me about it. (I don't think the spelling is important - most of the literature I have read thus far has been American, so will contain that spelling). I also think I can use the experiences I have had under the father's control to become stronger in this new phase of life and to make my menopause my own.
Barbara G Walker talks about how the Virgin and Crone aspects of the Goddess are interchangeable, and she tells the original myth of Persephone who was in fact the crone aspect of the Demeter trinity.  I find it truly amazing how in my dream, the friend of my childhood, or maidenhood, whom I have not thought of or seen for almost 40 years, appears as I approach the time of the crone - 'Do you not recognise me?'  It packs this big idea into such an accessible form.  The idea of a quest ties in so much with this Virgin/Crone theme, too, as in Roman mythology, the maiden/new moon was known as The Huntress (Diana), but Ms Walker argues that The Huntress character originally was part of the dark third aspect. I don't think there is too much of a difference between a quest and a hunt. Interestingly, she also says that the mother aspect in this trinity was Pluto, who was a female deity and the name Pluto meant abundant with milk - who gave her the sex change, I wonder?

The image of The Gray as a bracelet of red, white and grey stones.  The colours are almost equated with those of the Triple Goddess - white, red and black.  Stones are part of the Earth and there are many stone monuments and figures sacred to the goddess.  We recently spent a few days in Callanish (? cailleach - old woman?) and were very taken with the stones there.  I said on my other blog that they made me think of strong mothers.  And a bracelet is a circle - each part merges into the other in a never ending cycle.
So - what a dream!  It has been quite a journey of discovery unpacking this one.  I feel very positive about the images and ideas that I have taken from it, and grateful for the insights it has given me.  If you have read these posts, I hope very much that you have taken something from it too.
Blessings.

Analysis of The Gray - Part 1

Re-reading the dream (see previous post)  there are obvious links to aging and menopause and so many of the themes from my current reading and thinking are in there.  I will try to make sense of them here, but apologies if it becomes rambling.
Two Women - younger leading the older.
I did not really see who the younger woman was, or what age.  I thought later it might have been M's sister, who was 3 or 4 years younger than she was.  In any case there was a sense of her caring for M, who was really quite stooped and slow.  The younger woman helping - not leading - the older one to where she was going.
--
So - if these women in the dream are aspects of myself -  the younger woman is me just now - reading, reflecting, thinking and writing about my life, the change, and my hopes and fears etc, which will help me when I become that older woman.
I think I know them in the dream and I do now recognise them as these aspects of myself.

The older woman is my childhood friend and neighbour.
I grew up with M as my next-door best friend from pre-school until they moved away when I was about 10 or 11. She represents my childhood - my carefree innocent existence as a Maiden.
Also the community in which I lived was of strong women who were at mostly at home during the day. The mothers were  very supportive of each other during this time of childrearing and domestic activities.  My own mother had been a nurse before having me and my sister, and she was often called upon to help with various crises.
Thinking about it now, from a child's point of view it seems almost tribal and idyllic. The fathers had interests in common too - golf, football, tropical fishkeeping among other things - no heading off to the pub every night here..   My father and M's used to coach a local boys' football team and would take them off to a camp every year.  Our  families would go midweek to visit for the day and it was a great adventure.
They moved away when I was around 10 or 11 - just before I entered the menarche at the age of 12.  This again emphasises me as the Maiden aspect in the dream.
--
I have just started reading The Crone, by Babara G Walker and right from the first page it is chock full of wonderful images of the matriarchal societies from ancient herstory. I knew about them anyway, but had not realised how separate the two sexes lives were, or just how 'powerful' the women were.  (I don't really want to use the word powerful here, as, to me it has negative connotations regarding aggression and war etc, but until I can think of a better one it will have to do). Reflecting on my reading, and the images this dream has brought back to me, however, I  really get a strong sense of how those societies must have worked and how natural their way of life was. Indeed I imagine that where women get on with life on their own, or free from male dominance, then it will be a supportive place, where wisdom is shared..  I see it now in the online forums I frequent, and in the blogging community.

She asks me what I have been doing all these years, and I tell her in terms of what children I have had and the age I was when I gave birth to them.
I recount my  life to date solely in terms of my mothering. I detail the ages I was when I  had each child, and mention my divorce and happy remarriage - I use the word 'Soulmate' to describe my husband.  There is no mention of  any career or other achievements.
--
So this is referring to my Mother aspect.  I give a full account of my fertility during the time since puberty, when I last saw M and now, as I stand on the cusp of the menopause.It is significant that I tell her my age at each birth.  I had my first daughter at the age of 19, second when I was 28, my first son at 31 and my younger son at 46, so I have had a baby in every decade of my fertile years.  I also indicate by mentioning my divorce an remarriage that I have gone through a dark time but that I have come through it and am at peace with myself.  This could also relate to my recent reading of the demise of the matrifocal societies and the rise of patriarchy, with all its attendant horrors (cruel gods, wars, genocides, the witchcraze and the general denigration of women as a gender).  Vicki Noble in her powerful book, Shakti Woman, talks about her hopes for a re-membering of the Goddess as a way of healing for women. men and for the Earth.

I feel I had better state now that when I talk about patriarchy I am referring to the social and cultural system of male dominance particularly in government and institutions.  It is not meant to be anti-men in any way, as many males suffer from the effects of patriarchy in the same way.

This is becoming what my husband calls a 'big' dream.  There are so many layers being uncovered that I am going to split this post into two parts. The second half will appear in the next few days.

Erratic.

This post title could refer to my blogging and my menstrual cycle.  I am interested to note that it is almost 9 months since I last posted here - a sort of pregnancy, during which I have been reflecting, dreaming and researching - trying to make sense of what is about to happen.  So - what has been happening then, during this gestation?  Well, cycling again - very l -o-n-g ones and  really short ones and the odd normal one.  I go around flinging wide the windows and switching off the heating, while my family sit huddled around the fire..  My sleep is often disturbed and not by children.  I am still nursing, but only at bedtime and occasional mornings.
Emotionally I have felt the normal range of human emotions, but they seem heightened, and I am much more inward looking than before.
My dreams often contain symbols which I can relate to the changes in my body and emotions, and I dream a lot.  I no longer wear makeup or dye my hair, but feel completely happy with the way I look. I have begun to think really seriously about my health - taking up Tai- Chi and making dietary changes.
I have read and studied and  realise I have so much to  learn.
Susun Weed, in her excellent book, says once you ask yourself the question 'Is this menopause' then the answer is a resounding 'YES'.
So now I know.

Peeping through the crack.

So - I have felt the stirrings - what do I do now? Invest in air-conditioning and purpley-coloured baggy jumpers? No!  I do what I always do when faced with new or challenging situations  ... head over to Amazon. There are bound to be loads of books written about spiritual aspects of menopause. I type the word 'menopuase' into the search page - Miriam Stoppard's book comes out top - well - it would really. Scrolling down, I am quite disappointed  - most of the books seem to be about: what to expect physically, how to 'beat' the menopause, how to stay young, thin and beautiful despite the menopause, or are comedy/celebrity takes on the change. I even come across an MP3 download called "Smells like menopause" by an outfit called Kalibas. A sample track is available - I listen - it sounds like our old central heating boiler when it was breaking down - a subliminal connection maybe?
Surprisingly, there are no books which appear to be aimed at the menopausal breastfeeding woman! In fact, very few jump off the screen at me - they are either: not available, expensive, don't appeal after reading the spiel, or will take too long to arrive. I am a woman of change and I have a need for information now! Then I spy Susun S Weed's - New Menopausal Years: The Wise Woman Way. Well, I have enjoyed her other books and dip into her Ezine on occasion, so I pop it in my basket, along with Christiane Northrup's: Wisdom of the Menopause. I am not too sure of this one, as it is written by a GP. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just that I don't really want a lecture on what my hormones are up to etc. As a former nurse, I know a lot about the medical stuff - what I need is stories of the ancient wisdom. I am, however, slightly won over by the reader's reviews, so in it goes.
I await the parcel impatiently. Having decided that I am on the cusp of a life-changing transition I want to shout out "BRING IT ON"

Who's that knocking at my door?

This month I began to chart my menstrual cycle. I was inspired to do this after reading a review of Thirteen Moons - a cycle charting handbook and journal, by Jane Hardwicke Collings. In truth, it is something I have been thinking about for a while. I have been aware that my cycle is in tune with the moon - menstruating around the dark/new moon and ovulating just before the full moon, but I wanted to explore this in a deeper way - recording dreams, moods, energy levels and creativity etc. I began charting these in my 13 moons journal on the first day of my June menses . So far so good. Low energy and inwardness in the first few days and then a burst of activity at the end of my period. I looked forward to experiencing the creative and sexy time of the mid-cycle at the full moon. On day 13 I felt a strong cramp like pain on the left side of my belly. I remembered Jane, in her sample chart had noted a left sided ovulatory pain on day 12, so I duly did the same. That night I had the most amazing and vivid dream and the following night I had 2  further vivid dreams. I began to feel increasingly tired and drained and low in spirits. I could not understand why - was I not about to be at the peak of my most creative, energetic and attractive moon phase? Full and round and dazzling? If I didn't know better....
Well - what did I know? To my complete surprise, as I prepared for bed on day 17, I found I was bleeding. "Just spotting" I told my husband. Not so - it has turned into a full blown period, just 13 days after the end of my last one.
Now I may very well be jumping the gun here. Menopause is not a single event, it is a natural progression over many years - but I really feel I have heard the faint knockings of my inner crone! I will be 49 in November after all. She has to come out sometime. Suddenly all my dreams made sense in a different way to how I first perceived them.   I am slightly horrified, yet excited and anticipating at the same time. A bit of a complication is that I am still breastfeeding my two year old and it is my intention to carry on until he self weans. How will that work out? Is it a problem? I am still coming to terms with this second period in a month- it is really quite disorientating. I also don't know how I will manage to stay healthy enough to breastfeed, if I am going to have very short cycles too.
I hope to remain positive, though and listen to my body during this transition, however long it may take. This blog is a way for me to record the journey that will open the door to the Crone.